Recipe for a successful choir tour

Ingredients:

One choir, 120 pieces, mixed

Two choir managers (one designated gorgeous, the other mighty)

One choral director (preferably with passport)

One conductor with seemingly endless outfit changes

Two boy soloists, royally named, plus one booming bass

One fine Finnish orchestra

One children’s choir, angelic

Three epic choral works, previously unperformed in the host city

 

Recipe

Gather all your ingredients together. This will take about a day and if you have the right blend of choir managers, this should be a smooth process.

Lightly soak your choir in alcohol. This helps alleviate the effects of the planes, trains and coaches and creates a bonding effect, useful for vocal cohesion (although not necessarily vocal cords).

To begin assembling your performance, take your choir and use the choral director and conductor to shape the music. This particular method takes 7.5 hours to complete, although a shorter period is recommended if you wish to avoid your mixture going flat at a critical moment.

Work the mixture hard to ensure it is well blended. An extra application of force may be required for some ingredients.

Add in the orchestra, soloists and children’s choir. Take care not to add too much orchestra, or your mixture will be too heavy. The children’s choir should be light and smooth, providing the perfect top layer.

Run through the choral works, taking care to go over sections that are sticky, flat or lumpy. Repeat until smooth and your mixture is stiff and slow moving.

Once the music is shaped to the conductor’s/choral director’s satisfaction, add some more alcohol and soak overnight. This will allow ingredients to recover most of their expended energy in preparation for the performance. Throw in some free time for sightseeing, swimming or napping to allow the mixture to relax.

Your performance should now be moulded into the shape you want. In order to keep ingredients in optimum condition the conductor must now be whipped into a frenzy to keep everything at a peak.

Before beginning, allow the mixture to breathe. The wrong amount of air in a performance will lead to a woolly sound or in extreme cases, breathing when there is no breath mark. This will cause the choral director to change colour.

Mix choir well, mid-performance (this takes about 10 minutes, allowing time for ‘a Glossop’).

Pour some wonderful soloists into the mixture; they will add some sweetness and enrich the blend.

Mid way through the performance your ingredients should be feeling the heat and start sweating.

Finish your performance with gusto – a liberal application of top notes and loud brass. Ideally the audience should feel the need to clap and cheer loudly by the end.

To top it off, soak all your ingredients in alcohol one final time (champagne preferred, but any type will do) and circulate together.

Eh voila! One perfect choir tour.

 

 

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One response

  1. Really enjoyed reading this, Eluned, and also some of the other amusing and perceptive entries on your blog. If you keep this up, I think you’ll eventually have enough material for a book on the joys of choral singing!

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